I was walking down from office to home yesterday (am one of those few blessed souls who have a workplace really close to home in Mumbai) with ear phones plugged and with the usual chit chat of the RJ giving me company. This time round the topic of discussion was 'Is a woman's career as important, if not more, than man's?" The RJ was asking for responses from listeners on whether the wife's or woman's career is important for her, especially in relation to the man's? And if the man gives her woman's career as much importance as their own?
Strangely coincidental. Because only yesterday I heard from my colleague her woes of bitter divorce after 15 years of (love) marriage. She was left penniless with no where to go and unemployed for the past 8 years for another woman. Well educated, this colleague had given up her job for her husband. I was shaken with this episode.
My career is important for me. It is the only thing I can call of my own. My work not only represents my productivity but also my independence. No body can take away from me the work I do. It is an important symbol of my identity. I'd be liked to be known for my hard work, my sincerity and the output of my labour. My work is my baby, pun unintended. I cannot fathom of a life without work, it is an important part of who I am.
Having said that, I do not understand moreover why a woman has to make a choice between a family and a career?? Why can she not have both?? Why do we ingrain into a woman that her family is more important for her and her career is merely for her time pass. I was warned by my father, "Your career shall take a backseat once you marry. Are you ready for that?" I was enraged at his words back then and I still am. He was warning me in his own way against what could be a possibility, but I why the choice at all?? Why do I need to choose between my family and my career? Why can I not have both?? Do men make that kind of choice?
Who's given the right to men to believe that women can leave their jobs and careers at a mere signal? Believe you me, my career is not just for some side money or to keep myself busy! It means much more than that.
May be the above question need to be answered with some more questions. Like,
Who gives up a job if one of the couple gets transferred to another city?
If the husband gets transferred, is the family supposed to pack the bags and accompany?
Is the woman expected to leave her job once she becomes a mother?
What is the role of the father in parenting the child? Does he not need to share that responsibility as well?
Does the couple share the responsibilities of daily expenses?
Does the woman have any financial security if in the near future the relationship did not work or the spouse expires? What happens then?
Who decides how the money is spent?
Does the woman have any single bank account?
Who decides how the woman's earnings are to be spent?
Can she spend money without giving an account for it? Or does she give a hisaab of every penny that she spends?
According to a TOI poll (published on March 8th, 2009), while 24% thought career was more important than family, 67% of women thought it was family. Only 9% felt that a woman shouldn't have to choose between the two! May be not the best of studies, but sure gives us a preview of the current situation.
It is assumed that a woman's career is not a career, but merely a job which can be given up at mere insistence. Her career becomes less valuable as soon as we monetize it. End of the day the man brings in more money (as in most cases) and the woman less (for variety of factors). May be because employers feel that women cannot give in long hours, as she also has domestic duties.
But a woman's career is far more important than a man's. A woman not only has to fend for herself but also her children, as the case in families headed by females. And if ever there is a divorce or if the spouse dies, she has no where to turn to. For she can neither return to her parents? And neither does she inherit anything.
The salary is no doubt important. But for me, the intrinsic value of my work and my career is far greater than that monthly pay cheque. And while I still am searching for many answers, my colleagues words echo in my ears, "Indrani, never let go of your career the way I did."
Sane advice lady and one I intend to take!
Showing posts with label gender benders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender benders. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Respect women
I am a feminist. And it has taken me years of denial, introspection, acceptance, frustration, compromises, adjustments, revelations and discussions to reach such a conclusion. But this particular revelation took its time to come, but when it did, it became a paradigm shift. Not in terms of radical changes and more in terms of my own way of looking at things. I suddenly became more aware of all incidences and treatments, the unjust, the subtle and not-so-subtle.
Feminism means different things for different people. That is the beauty of the word. It takes from the experiences and struggles of millions of anonymous women across the globe. And it becomes visible by handful of them, by those who have the means to come under public gaze. For me, feminism means the ability to choose and to make my own decisions as a woman and to respect self. The first step is to accept that you can be and have been discriminated. And this can take time. Feminism means being aware of the subtle, unconcious and conscious, discrimination against you in day-to-day existence, across time, geography and contexts. It means using various strategies to counter them as well.
I’d be staying in an ideal world, if my being a feminist would not have repercussions in my personal life. What disturbs me most is when I see women in my life being treated, if not harshly, but with disrespect. Disrespect for women is something I cannot tolerate.
But what does disrespecting women mean? It means making a woman feel humilated for who she is. In most cases, the incidences are so subtle, that the differences (along the line of gender) arise almost unconsciously in day to day conversations and all relationships. Irrespective of whether it’s a brother-sister duo, mother and daughter, father and daughter, employer –employee, husband and wife, woman and in-laws, male and female colleagues, male and female friends, and other permutations and combinations.
Many people feel that women too often act against women. In such cases it is important to see the context in which this happens, that is, whether in a household or the workplace. In most cases, women become victims of the power politics which usually carries on in the respective contexts. A woman stands against another woman usually because both are vying for the same goal, for instance, male attention, resources, time, standing in the family and so on. And yes, families are definitely a seat of much politics. It is a definitely a disturbing thought, but it is also true. Family gossips are one of the major, supposedly harmless, manifestations of this politics. We all might belie the K-serials, but what usually happens in real life is even worse than the sagas!
Most families do not accept their daughters as individuals, who can think on and of their own. But that’s a different story (and a different post) altogether. A daughter-in-law in such a context would stand somewhere further in the queue, depending on the position/ standing of her husband (in that family) though. Mothers who are otherwise liberal and would like to see their daughters working would also want them to conform to traditional customs and rituals.
Most men I know would claim they generally respect women. They would probably never force themselves on a woman, would not raise their hand and would not deny them of any resources deliberately or put a woman down. But most men (and even women) are also not aware of the sexism so prevalent in their language/ the jokes/ communication skills/ even in terms of expectations. It becomes evident when you do not give the woman in your life enough choices or a say in the decision. For some women, the disrespect shown by a husband is fine, as long as it is not in front of the immediate or extended family. Is such humiliation justified?? I would think not.
Don’t get me wrong though. I do like men and a lot! But may be it’s time for them to learn to respect women (for who we are), to accept the responsibilities of home as well, and to rear their sons and daughters more similarly rather than differently. It is also time for mothers to raise their sons differently!
Feminism means different things for different people. That is the beauty of the word. It takes from the experiences and struggles of millions of anonymous women across the globe. And it becomes visible by handful of them, by those who have the means to come under public gaze. For me, feminism means the ability to choose and to make my own decisions as a woman and to respect self. The first step is to accept that you can be and have been discriminated. And this can take time. Feminism means being aware of the subtle, unconcious and conscious, discrimination against you in day-to-day existence, across time, geography and contexts. It means using various strategies to counter them as well.
I’d be staying in an ideal world, if my being a feminist would not have repercussions in my personal life. What disturbs me most is when I see women in my life being treated, if not harshly, but with disrespect. Disrespect for women is something I cannot tolerate.
But what does disrespecting women mean? It means making a woman feel humilated for who she is. In most cases, the incidences are so subtle, that the differences (along the line of gender) arise almost unconsciously in day to day conversations and all relationships. Irrespective of whether it’s a brother-sister duo, mother and daughter, father and daughter, employer –employee, husband and wife, woman and in-laws, male and female colleagues, male and female friends, and other permutations and combinations.
Many people feel that women too often act against women. In such cases it is important to see the context in which this happens, that is, whether in a household or the workplace. In most cases, women become victims of the power politics which usually carries on in the respective contexts. A woman stands against another woman usually because both are vying for the same goal, for instance, male attention, resources, time, standing in the family and so on. And yes, families are definitely a seat of much politics. It is a definitely a disturbing thought, but it is also true. Family gossips are one of the major, supposedly harmless, manifestations of this politics. We all might belie the K-serials, but what usually happens in real life is even worse than the sagas!
Most families do not accept their daughters as individuals, who can think on and of their own. But that’s a different story (and a different post) altogether. A daughter-in-law in such a context would stand somewhere further in the queue, depending on the position/ standing of her husband (in that family) though. Mothers who are otherwise liberal and would like to see their daughters working would also want them to conform to traditional customs and rituals.
Most men I know would claim they generally respect women. They would probably never force themselves on a woman, would not raise their hand and would not deny them of any resources deliberately or put a woman down. But most men (and even women) are also not aware of the sexism so prevalent in their language/ the jokes/ communication skills/ even in terms of expectations. It becomes evident when you do not give the woman in your life enough choices or a say in the decision. For some women, the disrespect shown by a husband is fine, as long as it is not in front of the immediate or extended family. Is such humiliation justified?? I would think not.
Don’t get me wrong though. I do like men and a lot! But may be it’s time for them to learn to respect women (for who we are), to accept the responsibilities of home as well, and to rear their sons and daughters more similarly rather than differently. It is also time for mothers to raise their sons differently!
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