Respect women

I am a feminist. And it has taken me years of denial, introspection, acceptance, frustration, compromises, adjustments, revelations and discussions to reach such a conclusion. But this particular revelation took its time to come, but when it did, it became a paradigm shift. Not in terms of radical changes and more in terms of my own way of looking at things. I suddenly became more aware of all incidences and treatments, the unjust, the subtle and not-so-subtle.

Feminism means different things for different people. That is the beauty of the word. It takes from the experiences and struggles of millions of anonymous women across the globe. And it becomes visible by handful of them, by those who have the means to come under public gaze. For me, feminism means the ability to choose and to make my own decisions as a woman and to respect self. The first step is to accept that you can be and have been discriminated. And this can take time. Feminism means being aware of the subtle, unconcious and conscious, discrimination against you in day-to-day existence, across time, geography and contexts. It means using various strategies to counter them as well.

I’d be staying in an ideal world, if my being a feminist would not have repercussions in my personal life. What disturbs me most is when I see women in my life being treated, if not harshly, but with disrespect. Disrespect for women is something I cannot tolerate.

But what does disrespecting women mean? It means making a woman feel humilated for who she is. In most cases, the incidences are so subtle, that the differences (along the line of gender) arise almost unconsciously in day to day conversations and all relationships. Irrespective of whether it’s a brother-sister duo, mother and daughter, father and daughter, employer –employee, husband and wife, woman and in-laws, male and female colleagues, male and female friends, and other permutations and combinations.

Many people feel that women too often act against women. In such cases it is important to see the context in which this happens, that is, whether in a household or the workplace. In most cases, women become victims of the power politics which usually carries on in the respective contexts. A woman stands against another woman usually because both are vying for the same goal, for instance, male attention, resources, time, standing in the family and so on. And yes, families are definitely a seat of much politics. It is a definitely a disturbing thought, but it is also true. Family gossips are one of the major, supposedly harmless, manifestations of this politics. We all might belie the K-serials, but what usually happens in real life is even worse than the sagas!

Most families do not accept their daughters as individuals, who can think on and of their own. But that’s a different story (and a different post) altogether. A daughter-in-law in such a context would stand somewhere further in the queue, depending on the position/ standing of her husband (in that family) though. Mothers who are otherwise liberal and would like to see their daughters working would also want them to conform to traditional customs and rituals.

Most men I know would claim they generally respect women. They would probably never force themselves on a woman, would not raise their hand and would not deny them of any resources deliberately or put a woman down. But most men (and even women) are also not aware of the sexism so prevalent in their language/ the jokes/ communication skills/ even in terms of expectations. It becomes evident when you do not give the woman in your life enough choices or a say in the decision. For some women, the disrespect shown by a husband is fine, as long as it is not in front of the immediate or extended family. Is such humiliation justified?? I would think not.

Don’t get me wrong though. I do like men and a lot! But may be it’s time for them to learn to respect women (for who we are), to accept the responsibilities of home as well, and to rear their sons and daughters more similarly rather than differently. It is also time for mothers to raise their sons differently!