I was walking down from office to home yesterday (am one of those few blessed souls who have a workplace really close to home in Mumbai) with ear phones plugged and with the usual chit chat of the RJ giving me company. This time round the topic of discussion was 'Is a woman's career as important, if not more, than man's?" The RJ was asking for responses from listeners on whether the wife's or woman's career is important for her, especially in relation to the man's? And if the man gives her woman's career as much importance as their own?
Strangely coincidental. Because only yesterday I heard from my colleague her woes of bitter divorce after 15 years of (love) marriage. She was left penniless with no where to go and unemployed for the past 8 years for another woman. Well educated, this colleague had given up her job for her husband. I was shaken with this episode.
My career is important for me. It is the only thing I can call of my own. My work not only represents my productivity but also my independence. No body can take away from me the work I do. It is an important symbol of my identity. I'd be liked to be known for my hard work, my sincerity and the output of my labour. My work is my baby, pun unintended. I cannot fathom of a life without work, it is an important part of who I am.
Having said that, I do not understand moreover why a woman has to make a choice between a family and a career?? Why can she not have both?? Why do we ingrain into a woman that her family is more important for her and her career is merely for her time pass. I was warned by my father, "Your career shall take a backseat once you marry. Are you ready for that?" I was enraged at his words back then and I still am. He was warning me in his own way against what could be a possibility, but I why the choice at all?? Why do I need to choose between my family and my career? Why can I not have both?? Do men make that kind of choice?
Who's given the right to men to believe that women can leave their jobs and careers at a mere signal? Believe you me, my career is not just for some side money or to keep myself busy! It means much more than that.
May be the above question need to be answered with some more questions. Like,
Who gives up a job if one of the couple gets transferred to another city?
If the husband gets transferred, is the family supposed to pack the bags and accompany?
Is the woman expected to leave her job once she becomes a mother?
What is the role of the father in parenting the child? Does he not need to share that responsibility as well?
Does the couple share the responsibilities of daily expenses?
Does the woman have any financial security if in the near future the relationship did not work or the spouse expires? What happens then?
Who decides how the money is spent?
Does the woman have any single bank account?
Who decides how the woman's earnings are to be spent?
Can she spend money without giving an account for it? Or does she give a hisaab of every penny that she spends?
According to a TOI poll (published on March 8th, 2009), while 24% thought career was more important than family, 67% of women thought it was family. Only 9% felt that a woman shouldn't have to choose between the two! May be not the best of studies, but sure gives us a preview of the current situation.
It is assumed that a woman's career is not a career, but merely a job which can be given up at mere insistence. Her career becomes less valuable as soon as we monetize it. End of the day the man brings in more money (as in most cases) and the woman less (for variety of factors). May be because employers feel that women cannot give in long hours, as she also has domestic duties.
But a woman's career is far more important than a man's. A woman not only has to fend for herself but also her children, as the case in families headed by females. And if ever there is a divorce or if the spouse dies, she has no where to turn to. For she can neither return to her parents? And neither does she inherit anything.
The salary is no doubt important. But for me, the intrinsic value of my work and my career is far greater than that monthly pay cheque. And while I still am searching for many answers, my colleagues words echo in my ears, "Indrani, never let go of your career the way I did."
Sane advice lady and one I intend to take!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
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Nice post Indrani..i liked it :)
ReplyDeleteDear indrani, first of all kudos for writing such a thought provoking article and also with a straightforward eloquence.... i agree with you that a woman's carrer is as much important as anyone bt than its also sumwhere one's own indiviual choice, its nt alwayz tht situation or society compels women to pack her bags and travel wid her husband or not pursue her carrer or higher studies after maariage bt i feel women also takes as much part in the decision as any one else... for instance i have seen scores of women in my life who succssfuly pursued their carrer after their marriage even if that meant staying in seperate cities and to be very honest wid u if i reach such a crossroad and i feel my work is as substantial or important i may do the same.... the key here also lies in conversation wid the men in our lives and making them understand the purpose of our work.... i feel a good conversation can alwayz help.... owning up to responsibilities and also looking at the bigger picture helps
ReplyDeletei really liked ur article bt honestly i wud like to knw candid opinions of men also regarding this.... hw abt sharing wid as many of them.... it helps in understanding more.... and cleasing perspectives.... looking fwd o hear frm you
Thanks both.. am glad you liked the post.
ReplyDeleteSohini:
(a)Yes, off course women take part in the decision at times and many choose family over their career. This is because they have been groomed and socialized to believe that her salvation lies in her capacity of a familial role rather than as a paid worker. Many actually believe that men in their lives shall always take care of them (financially i mean) while they stay at home. Women are too a part of this system as are men, and it is the system that needs to be challenged. It is the stereotypes that we fall back to and that need to be challenged.
(b) Yes, i agree wholeheartedly with you that only an open dialogue with men can break this Catch-22 situation. In the same episode I was listening to, I heard a man complaining over the radio that he couldn't maintain their current lifestyle alone and would have liked his wife to work (who abhorred the idea it seems). So u see, even men are as much trapped in the stereotypes (as breadwinners) as are women.
I am only challenging this situation here by asking WHAT the need is for women to choose between family and career?? Why can she not have both? It will be great if you could bring the male perspective on board and share.
Hey Indrani..u have raised some really important concerns here...but I dont agree completely with your first point. I can say from my personal experience that even the educated, independent and so-called 'feminists' make such decision and choices in their lives. Therefore, I dun think that socialization and grooming are alone to be blamed here, its also about an individual's approach to confront such situation and how much one is prepared and willing to run that extra mile for achieving one's dream and aspirations. Its a very individual decision and I dun think if this could be generalized on everyone by blaming it all on socialization; that could be a case or two, but its largely about how much importance I give to my career and to what extent can I fight to sustain it. If a woman is persistent on her stand then I dont think anyone would ever dare to ask her for a choice between career and family. Its our own outlook towards our career which gives a legitimate leeway to others to throw such choices on us. At least I can say from my own experience that nobody ever dared to give any such choice to me, perhaps because of the same reasons only.
ReplyDeleteU r right, there is no need for women to choose between family and career, she is as free as men to pursue both, but this cant be achieved just by saying it. It calls for a revolution to change this situation and therefore women have to become conscious about their individual decision and priorities.
Women of our generation are not socialized in this way [at least I am not socialized in this way], problem lies somewhere else and it calls for looking within to address it.
Dear Chandni,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was talking of the socialization aspect, it was not about you and me or even our respective peer groups. We need to come out of our upper middle class attitude and may be try understand the larger set of population. I am talking of those who probably shall never read this blog (due to lack of means/ not have a computer/ not know English). And I am talking of girls (whom I have interacted with) from our generation here!
I would not want to generalize, but the interplay of individuality and socialization is more intricate that we imagine. It is neither a continuum nor a balance. It is inter-weaved in a very complex pattern (and unique for each of us) that all of us need to understand in our lives.
Also, please note am not denouncing those who opt for homes over their career. They have their reasons which are valid for them. Housework is one of the most difficult and least grateful job today. Though work itself needs to be defined differently (as in not just paid work), here I am more interested in what career (which is more than a job) represents for women.
Dear Indrani,
ReplyDeleteIs its not about u, me and r peer group then may I know the reason why are we discussing it here? Secondly, your blog mentions a lot about choices and 'career', now if u r saying that its not 'upper middle class' attitude and is more about the larger set of population then I have two problems with this view. Firstly, the larger set of population comprises many women who work out of poverty, so where is the choice to work there? Secondly, many middle-class women work to support their family, as u have seen in Mumbai as well, these women do their 'job' and have no 'career' as they do not choose work but work choose them.
So, according to my view, ur blog applies more on to upper middle class women only, who have both the choices (which they tend to make) and career (which they choose). U r mixing two altogether different set of problems here.
Chandni, if the situation were such a black and white, we would not have been stuck in murky shades of grey! Don't you think you are falling into the trap of making some generalizations yourself??
ReplyDeleteWhen I started writing this post, I began with what is an Universal problem. Classes do play an important role, as you have put forth very succintly. Many women work not out of choice but out of necessity (as you say mostly from lower classes). Again many women consider it a choice rather than a necessity (as you say women from middle class do). Yes, this is true but also not something we can apply to all women.
Believe me, in my line of work, I have met many women, from various classes, who would not agree to this.. I have met young girls from lower classes who want to work but not sure their families shall allow. The issue is not that women do not want to not work.. but the issue is that often they are not given any choice (which I think is not fair)!! And because of their position in their respective families, they are not able to even voice their own opinion. Girls from lower families, whom i have met in my line of work, want to work but their families are more interested in getting them married! At the same time, I have met many married women (from upper middle classes) who are working, but they are being pressurized to start families, even if they rather work! So there is a basic choice deficit in both the situations.
And we are discussing this Chandni BECAUSE it is an universal problem, despite your take on this being merely middle class phenomenon!! I agree with you that women need to take a stand.
But you and I have the choices still, thanks to our upbringing, education, social background, etc. But there are many women out there who do not have that kind of voice or choice. Still, there are questions unanswered.. And probably why there is all the more reason, we NEED to discuss this issue!
Must say that the article was very well written and thought-provoking...
ReplyDeleteHave two points which I wanted to share...
1) I feel that our Indian society is largely driven by stereo-types. We normally follow the norm and are afraid to break "what is the done thing". I think it’s about time we change this- and the change will not happen unless all of us make it happen! In the context of the debate, the decision should always be the individual's and not of her husband/ family's. I also feel that the individual needs to talk to her husband/ in-laws, etc. and convince them - though it may not be an easy job to do. Also at times, the "male ego" of "my wife should always move with me/ nothing is as important as MY career" can come in between. It is here that good communication will help.
2) I think the overall scenario has changed over the last few decades- more and more women are taking up higher studies. But some things never change- like I was reading an article the other day about “how female Phd's/ MBA's are giving up careers and becoming home-makers”- if its by choice then I have no qualms, but I somehow feel that not all of these choices are so called "personal decisions".
From a personal view-point, I have a transferable job and have been moving around quite a bit. But the next time I move, I will maybe think that much deeper before taking the joint decision. Thanks, wifey for the article :-)